Every newborn baby has an essence of beauty and the power to attract anyone around them. However, mothers who are emotionally absent or facing cold mother syndrome will never be able to see the beauty and are impotent to return the child’s affection.
A good mother is a mirror image of the perfect home. Although, not every child is born with the luck to have a good mother. The reasons are above and beyond understanding the cause of cold mother syndrome.
Here we will discuss the primary causes of the syndrome, its effects on a child, and how you can heal from the mother’s wounds. Let’s begin with the guide without any further due.
Table of Content
- What Is Cold Mother Syndrome?
- Common Signs of Cold Mother Syndrome
- What Causes Cold Mother Syndrome?
- Negative Effects of an Emotionally Cold Mother Syndrome on a Child?
- Emotionally Unavailable Mother- Recovery (Video)
- How to Deal With An Emotionally Cold Mother?
- Wrapping Up
What Is Cold Mother Syndrome?
Cold mother syndrome is a mother wound in which a mother cannot deal with her child’s emotions. Such mothers are physically present to fulfil the financial and living needs of the child. But fail to provide the essence of love, safety & security, and a sense of belonging.
The mother wound isn’t a disease but a mental or psychological illness that most women develop from childhood traumas and lousy home life. Other women form mother wounds after they receive exposure to motherhood either voluntarily or forcefully.
To understand the psychological suffering in a mother-child relationship, let’s see why women are evolving as emotionally absent mothers.
Common Signs of Cold Mother Syndrome
Recognizing the signs of Cold Mother Syndrome (CMS) is crucial for understanding the emotional dynamics that may be at play in a parent-child relationship. While the behaviors of emotionally distant mothers can vary, certain patterns are often present, making it possible to identify when CMS might be affecting a family. These signs can be subtle, yet their impact on a child’s emotional development is profound. From a lack of empathy to emotional unavailability, the effects of these behaviors can leave lasting scars. In this section, we will explore the key indicators of CMS, helping you to identify whether these behaviors may have influenced your life or the lives of those you care about.
Emotional Unavailability
One of the most noticeable signs of Cold Mother Syndrome is emotional unavailability. Mothers with this syndrome are often physically present in their children’s lives but are emotionally distant. They may fulfill basic needs like providing food, shelter, and clothing, but they fail to engage in meaningful emotional exchanges with their children. This emotional absence can be deeply confusing and hurtful for a child, who may not understand why their mother is emotionally withdrawn. Over time, this lack of emotional connection can lead to feelings of abandonment and neglect, significantly impacting the child’s development and emotional well-being.
Lack of Empathy and Emotional Support
A hallmark of Cold Mother Syndrome is a noticeable lack of empathy and emotional support. Mothers exhibiting these traits may be indifferent to their child’s feelings, struggles, or achievements. When a child looks to their mother for comfort, validation, or guidance, they may instead be met with indifference or even coldness. This lack of empathy can leave the child feeling isolated and unsupported, fostering an environment where they feel their emotions and experiences are invalid or unimportant. The absence of emotional support can have lasting effects, including difficulties in forming healthy emotional bonds with others as the child grows older.
Withholding Affection and Praise
Emotionally distant mothers often withhold affection and praise, crucial elements in a child’s emotional and psychological development. A child’s achievements, no matter how significant, may go unacknowledged or be met with minimal response. This lack of positive reinforcement can cause the child to doubt their abilities and worth, leading to low self-esteem and a constant need for external validation. Additionally, the absence of physical affection, such as hugs or comforting touches, can further alienate the child, making them feel unloved and unworthy of affection. This deprivation of warmth and recognition can shape a child’s view of themselves and their relationships with others, often resulting in deep-seated insecurities.
Disengagement from the Child’s Life
Another common sign of Cold Mother Syndrome is a mother’s disengagement from her child’s life. This can manifest as a lack of interest in the child’s daily activities, hobbies, or social interactions. The mother may not attend important events, like school plays or sports games, or may seem uninterested in the child’s accomplishments or challenges. This disengagement can make the child feel invisible, fostering a sense of loneliness and rejection. The child might internalize this lack of attention as a reflection of their worth, leading to feelings of insignificance and self-doubt. Over time, this disengagement can create a rift between mother and child that is difficult to repair, further complicating the child’s emotional and social development.
Symptoms of Emotional Dysregulation in the Mother
Mothers with Cold Mother Syndrome often exhibit signs of emotional dysregulation, which can contribute to their emotional unavailability. They may struggle to manage their own emotions, leading to unpredictable and inconsistent behavior. For example, they might swing from being overly critical and harsh to indifferent or absent. This inconsistency can be confusing and distressing for the child, who may never know what to expect from their mother. The child may learn to suppress their own emotions in response to their mother’s erratic behavior, leading to difficulties in emotional expression and regulation later in life. This emotional instability in the mother can create a volatile home environment, where the child feels perpetually uncertain and insecure.
What Causes Cold Mother Syndrome?
Instinct that we try to study our parents and their behavior towards different things, especially towards us. A child who lives with an emotionally cold mother always wonders what makes her mother act like that.
That’s why Jasmin Lee Cori, a psychotherapist, has given the primary reason that makes a woman an emotionally unavailable mother. The following is the list of reasons
- According to Cori, a mother had grieved for an extended period. It consumed all of her energy and, as a result, developed emotional resistance.
- She had faced depression, anxiety, or any other mental instability. Also making her an alcoholic or drug addict.
- She is worn out and exhausted from working day and night to bring the “roof” over her head. That’s taking all of her energy and even causing a physical illness.
- She wasn’t prepared or wanted to be a mother. Mothering wasn’t her choice, and that’s causing a pang of guilt in her. To overcome her guilt, she chooses to neglect everything around her.
- She got busy getting things that she wanted for herself. It includes her struggle to develop her career, being busy with school or working two or more jobs. Such circumstances have made her a narcissist and self-centric.
- She didn’t adopt her role as a homemaker. Taking care of too many children and always in between household chores causes her to question her significance in her life.
- She got an ill person in the family and has cared for that person for many years (e.g., an ill husband, parent, or parents-in-law). It made her unemotional and cold towards the other family members (i.e., children)
- She is afraid to love and to get hurt by that person (triggering something terrible from her childhood).
- Others instruct her not to give more to her children, to save them from spoiling.
These are the primary reasons that make women emotionally detached from their children. Although not all women need to have all of these reasons, one reason can cause this syndrome. However, the reason might differ from woman to woman and is challenging to track down in general.
However, it doesn’t matter what makes a mother emotionally absent because it leaves the same negative effect on every child. Let’s see how an absent mother can reverse the child’s future.
Negative Effects of an Emotionally Cold Mother Syndrome on a Child?
We all have heard about maternal significance and blessing. But what will happen to the child if the mother blocks her blessing? The child will suffer psychologically and become unable to develop social skills.
Doubting Character
Emotionally unavailable mothers make a child think that they are alone and isolated even when mothers are physically present. Such kind of isolation causes “doubting character” in the child. The child starts doubting the credibility of their idea and chooses to remain silent. That results in an extremely introverted personality. In other words, a child becomes anti-social.
Emotional Instability
Cold mother syndrome causes emotional instability in the child. The child will be seen as a confused soul all the time. Even the child becomes unable to express anger, sadness, or happiness. A study shows that some kids even develop anxiety at a young age as the result of bad parenting.
Relationship Issues
If the child didn’t heal from the mother’s wounds, then there are chances that a child might face relationship issues in later life. It includes trust issues, caring dilemmas, dependency, and relationship conflicts.
Victim – Due To Low Self-Esteem
As we have discussed above, refrigerator mother syndrome causes a lack of confidence in the child. This will give birth to low self-esteem and make a child impotent to stand up for themselves. Therefore, emotionally absent mothers’ children become the victims in the schools.
Bully – To Save The Image
Commonly, children of unemotional mothers become victims in society. Despite that, some kids choose “bullying” as a defence mechanism and block all sources of love and hate which can affect their school life and social life. It helps them save their self-image but influences the kid’s personality.
Emotionally Unavailable Mother- Recovery
Video Credits: Kati Morton
How to deal with an Emotionally Cold Mother?
Truth must be told to you. You cannot do much as a child with your living suffering and dealing with an emotionally absent mother. Cold mother syndrome is a psychological or mental illness that is difficult to deal with and cure by any medicine or therapy.
Refrigerator mother syndrome is also similar to Cold mother syndrome as both define the women as unemotional and unloving to kids. Besides that, both can cause autism in youngsters if kids get neglected by their mothers for a long time.
Some scholars claim that refrigerator mother syndrome isn’t even treatable if the mother’s traits become part of her personality. In this case, you have to heal yourself from the mother’s wound with self-care. Here are the steps that you can take to deal with your emotionally absent mother.
Understand Your Emotions
Many people will give you different methods and meditations to heal from the mother’s wound. But none will tell you the primary block in your life that you need to remove, which is “Understanding your emotions.”
If you have been living with a woman who has given birth to you but also suffering from cold mother syndrome, then there are chances that you are also consuming her traits and hiding your emotions.
It is prevalent for children to copy and imitate their parents’ personalities. So, to save yourself from becoming an emotionally absent mother, you must acknowledge your emotions.
Show love, respect, and concern on different matters to recover from the harmful effects of refrigerator mother syndrome. Moreover, it would help if you also showed your pain and suffering from the neglect of your mother.
Some children don’t even acknowledge the neglect they received from their mothers. That’s how they start hiding their genuine emotions. This can lead you to a psychologically unbalanced life. That’s why you must have to heal from the mother’s wound by understanding your true emotions.
Stand With Your Anger
It is very common that we get enraged towards our mothers if they neglect us or stop showing feelings towards us. Their behavior, attitude, and coldness affect us and cause madness in us. Some experts say that a child shouldn’t feel angry towards the mother because it will transform the anger into resentment and can cause more harm to the naive mind of the child.
On the other hand, Jasmin Lee Cori suggested that “you”, as a child, must show your anger towards the pain you received from your mother due to her neglect.
According to her, you cannot heal your wounded inner child until or unless you allow yourself to become angry. It might sound dangerous to you but I think you cannot accomplish something without experiencing falls.
For that purpose, you have to feel angry (that’s how you will learn about your emotions) and even expose your anger or broken wings to your mother. Tell her how much pain she has given you, and give sound to your voice.
That will be your first step towards healing. After you pass the anger phase, you will learn that you are self-sufficient and can make a strong self-image without any holes.
Fight For the Future
Let me be honest with you. There are only two options ahead of you. Either forget your past for your future or live with those deeper childhood scars.
It might sound harsh to you. But you must forget your past and “get together” before it is too late. You must be wondering why it will become too late for you to heal from your mother’s wounds.
As I have discussed above, long-term grieving can cause cold mother syndrome. That’s why you must leave your past and think about your future. There isn’t any doubt that you will get love, care, and connection from your friends, spouse, grandparents, or in-laws. The miracles will only come to your life if you are psychologically stable. Hence, you need to leave your past.
Consult from the Divine Mother
You indeed need a consultation to heal from the mother’s wounds. But, before you start your consultation with other people, you can take help from the Divine Mother.
A study shows that the image of the Divine Mother helps a child to remove the negativity of the emotionally unavailable mother. Simply put, you can share your thoughts loud and clear with a traditional and good Divine Mother.
You can track down your Divine Mother by navigating the roots of your religion. For instance, in Christianity, Mother Mary is an archetype image of the perfect mother who knows your pain and feelings.
Contacting her (Imagining her near you) will help you to release the negativity of your mother, and you will form a new image of a good mother.
Therefore, if you are a victim of an absent mother, then take consultation from the Divine Mother and keep your sanity in check.
Give Yourself A Self-Mother
You don’t have to wait for someone to come and rescue your feelings. You have to be a self-mother to deal with an absent mother. It might seem like too much, but this is the only way that you can heal from the undermothered phase.
For instance, your mother forgets to celebrate your birthday, acknowledge your good grades or hug you. In such scenarios, give yourself a treat, and celebrate those events you want to celebrate. Click photos and make an album, an album that has good memories.
These memories will restore your broken image and save you from depression the loneliness. Therefore, always be there for “Yourself” and give yourself a “self-mother” to heal from the mother’s wound.
Journaling
The practical implantations are essential to recovering from the mother’s wound. Still, to completely cure this, you need a tool that barricades the negativity of the cold mother syndrome.
Cori has explained that journaling is the best tool a child can use to restore their self-image and become empowered to control the future. The write-up might break you into tears. However, it will save you from long-term grieving, anxiety, loneliness, and depression.
Write everything that hurts you. It includes the disappointment that you receive from your mother, the pain from her extreme neglect, and everything.
The write-up will lower your stress and emotional instability. It is more like you’re respecting your journal by telling it your secret pains, and it will show care by listing you silently. Hence, this is the best tool to heal the mother’s wounds without losing anything.
Wrapping Up
In cold mother syndrome, women have zero tolerance for emotions. They neither express their feelings nor want to see your emotions. Sometimes, when a child shows the desire for love and care, it triggers the traumatic memory of the mother. As a result, they push away the child, and that causes a shock in the child.
These shocks can cause low self-esteem, extremely introverted personality, emotional neediness, and destructive relationships. Hence, you need to mend your mother’s wounds and keep yourself with your sanity for a better future.
Written by: Maryam
BA Early Childhood Education with Psychology
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